Tuesday, May 22

Filing cabinets

Me, I speak before I think. When I first meet people I am all quiet introvert. I am a listener who can keep a secret and gives away little about herself. But then, eventually, when I finally feel like I got the measure of you: The other shoe drops and like Dr. J. transforming into Mr. H., without warning, I turn into a loud mouth. Sometimes I really wish I could get myself to stick with a more measured approach: You know, that fabled golden middle.

When I was growing up I was forever reinventing myself. If there was a trait I disliked about myself I'd pretend I was some other little girl who did not possess this unwanted attribute. I did this with such gusto, sometimes I felt like I was my very own science project.

I've been reminiscing a lot just lately. Thinking back to my childhood.  I've always been real good at looking forward not back. Don't get me wrong, my future has never looked rosier, but they're a funny thing, memories. They fluctuate, they warp like old wood left out in the rain. Like a magician's rabbit they disappear only to re-emerge when you least expect them to. And here I am thinking to myself: "How'd I forget all that stuff and never even realise something was missing back here, in my internal filing cabinets?"

But then I know this is the same for almost everybody. No total recall for me :) Just colourful little tableaus, moments like faded Polaroids, and not a clue which order they go in.

Memories have always fascinated me. The way they come and go, their unreliability, subjectivity. How they can go from faded to VIVID! and then merge into the background all over again.

Our minds are pretty rad like that, no?

dress: heartbreakers
scarf: tie rack
pins: etsy
ring: DIY
bracelets: etsy & market stall
sweater: h&m
flats: primark


  1. I've learned that I do best in groups of three (including myself). I'm just way too awkward for one on ones, and if I'm talking to more than two people I just can't focus and get too shy. I definitely get way louder and more sassy the more I know someone, though. I think that's how introverts work.

    (PS I love how you wore your scarf today with that dress. I want to try it out for myself in tomorrow's outfit...)

  2. I love this quality of memory--it's like things surfacing in vegetable soup.  And the older one gets, the better it gets.  Today, I passed a place...and belatedly mused, that's where I lost my virginity!

  3. Hello Stef,
    I see myself as someone who lives in the past, particularly my childhood. Maybe because I do not feel happy at the moment, as life in Italy proved to be quite tough for me. It is so strange because when I first moved to UK from my original birth country at a tender age of 18 alone and with little money and some basic English, I did not feel as nostalgic or homesick as I am now.

    Certain things transport me immediately into the past, such as scents and tastes. The scent of the sea, wet earth/soil, carnations, roses, dust, and some other not-so-appealing scents :); the taste of figs, olive oil, prickly pears, buttermilk, and strong coffee, as I grew up in a tiny village on the mountain along the Mediterranean sea (in North Africa). 

    The funniest thing that triggered a past memory was a week ago. I was walking along the road to get to the nearest town ( I do not have a car, only bike or walk) and waft of nasty smell  hit my nostrils and transported me into the past, over thirty years ago when I was a little girl exploring the mountains with my dad and we came across a dead animal :) 


  4. Terri, you just made my morning :D
    Vegetable soup indeed

  5. Hi Cyrene

    I moved countries at 18 too (well, nearly 19) but until now I hadn't really experienced being homesick (I think I prefer how you call it nostalgia :)), but just lately I have been getting a little bit that way. The sound of wood saws sends me right back :) I guess it is high time I took a holiday in the old country :)

    Hope things in Italy look up for you soon!