Lately I've been asked WHY? an awful lot in the real world.
It got me to thinking so hold on to your hats while I share my ramblings on this three letter word ;)
For the most part I keep myself to myself. I am pretty private when it comes down to it. Not exactly secretive though I can keep one but I am the brand of quiet that is all too often mistaken for insecurity by the boisterously sociable. You know, people who ask about your wages, your innermost feelings and set out to "fix" you when they find out you enjoy a bit of alone time. Truth is, you can ask my opinion any day but even on the rare occasions where I am willing to share I am clueless when it comes to explaining my motifs for personal choices.
Yeah, I know: First I pontificate about how we should all revel in sharing ourselves and then I go and tell you that I can't even answer the simplest of questions.
Only it's never really a simple question, is it? Personal preferences and decisions, they are convoluted. More feeling than thought. To answer such questions you have to delve right down deep into yourself, a place where nothing is logic. A melty mess of emotions and instinct more like. Because when it comes to personal choices, as much as we may rationalize them after the fact, they are rarely made logically.
Reason. Logic. That's for finances and running reports at the office but when it comes to personal decisions, ultimately I go with my gut. I feel what I want from my chest right down into the tips of my toes. Reverberating through me. A calm that tells me this is right for me at this point in time, followed by a friendly tingle of anticipation because: Now that my mind is made I am ready for all the preparing and doing. And after all that, that's when reason first comes into it. Only an afterthought. That pro and con list is a little white lie.
Ever tossed a coin because you didn't care either way but then, just as you lift your hand away from the coin, you realize with a sting that you wanted it to land the other way? Sometimes it is not so easy to know your own mind. It takes trust and honesty and it's no easy feat to trust in yourself.
So like I say, the cards are marked, the oh so sensible pros and cons, they are a facade. Deep down our minds are often made well before any of that stuff. It's hard to admit: Reason doesn't figure in it. It's instinct, emotion. It's irrational. Caveman stuff.
And as much as I wish I could explain myself, as much as I want to share where I am coming from, how I arrived here, why I am who I am and do what I do, sometimes there is just no way. So I mumble, shrug and I smile so awkwardly it's probably more of a snarl.
Why not? That's a far better question if you ask me ;)
hat: festival stall
scarf: present (pass me down)
dress & skirt: modcloth
jacket: zara via time enough for drums
heels: bargain bin in some highstreet store